Not Nice: A Guide to Breaking Free from People-Pleasing

In Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty…And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself, Dr. Aziz Gazipura dives into the struggle many of us face with being “too nice”—constantly putting others’ needs before our own, staying quiet to avoid conflict, or feeling guilty when we prioritize ourselves. Dr. Gazipura understands how ingrained these habits can be, and he offers straightforward advice for breaking out of them. The book is filled with relatable stories, eye-opening insights, and hands-on exercises designed to help readers stand up for themselves, set clear boundaries, and feel more confident in their daily lives. Dr. Gazipura doesn’t just address the problem of people-pleasing; he empowers readers to take actionable steps to embrace their own needs and desires without guilt or apology. Whether it’s learning to say “no,” speaking up at work, or letting go of the fear of disappointing others, Not Nice serves as a practical guide for anyone who’s tired of being nice at the expense of their own happiness.

Key Themes and Areas Addressed

One of the main ideas in Not Nice is that being "too nice" often comes from a fear of rejection or failure. Dr. Gazipura suggests that people-pleasing is a coping mechanism to avoid these fears, but it ends up stifling who we really are. Here are a few key themes he covers in the book:

Fear of Rejection and Seeking Approval: Dr. Gazipura explains that fear of rejection drives many people to seek constant approval, even at the cost of their well-being. He suggests small steps to break this pattern, like saying “no” to minor requests and learning to tolerate the initial discomfort. Over time, this builds self-confidence and lessens the need for others’ approval.

Boundaries and Assertiveness: Setting boundaries is essential, but many people feel guilty about doing it. Dr. Gazipura guides readers in recognizing when they feel pressured and teaches them how to assert their needs without shame. One exercise asks readers to write down their values and look at where they've compromised these values just to make others happy. This process helps them see the value of standing up for themselves.

Managing Guilt and Anxiety: Guilt often comes up when we say “no” or put our needs first. Dr. Gazipura explains that this guilt is a learned response and not a sign we’ve done something wrong. By seeing guilt as part of unlearning old habits, we can start to view these feelings as signs of growth rather than mistakes.

Self-Acceptance and Inner Confidence: The book also emphasizes self-acceptance as a foundation for real confidence. Dr. Gazipura suggests simple self-compassion exercises and positive self-talk to remind us that we deserve respect and happiness, even if we’re not constantly pleasing others.

Dr. Aziz Gazipura offers a wealth of solutions for overcoming people-pleasing habits. Here are some examples of his strategies, and how they can be applied in everyday life:

1. Learning to Say “No”

Dr. Gazipura suggests practicing saying “no” in small, low-stakes situations as a way to build confidence. For instance, he encourages readers to start by declining small requests from friends or family, like turning down an invitation to an event they’re not interested in or refusing a task they don’t have time for. The goal isn’t to become defiant, but to get comfortable prioritizing your own needs. Over time, this habit grows, helping readers feel more empowered in larger or more important situations where saying “no” really matters.

2. Setting Boundaries with Others

Setting boundaries can feel daunting, especially if we’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings. Dr. Gazipura offers a clear step-by-step approach. He suggests identifying where you feel the most drained or resentful in relationships—these are often areas where boundaries are needed. For example, if a friend repeatedly calls late at night, disrupting your sleep, it’s time to set a boundary. Dr. Gazipura recommends saying something like, “I love talking to you, but I need to stick to calls before 9 PM.” This allows you to express care while also standing up for your needs.

3. Overcoming Guilt by Reframing It

Many people-pleasers experience guilt when they assert themselves. Dr. Gazipura suggests reframing guilt as a sign of growth rather than something negative. For instance, if you feel guilty after saying “no” to someone, he advises recognizing that feeling as evidence of breaking old habits. He encourages readers to remind themselves that guilt doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong—it’s simply a sign they’re challenging the patterns that no longer serve them.

4. Handling Criticism and Disapproval

One big fear for people-pleasers is facing criticism or disapproval. Dr. Gazipura teaches readers how to handle this by imagining the worst-case scenario and then questioning its real impact. For example, if you’re afraid of a friend’s reaction to a canceled plan, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Dr. Gazipura suggests realizing that even if the friend is disappointed, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a friend or person. This exercise helps to reduce the emotional weight of potential criticism.

5. “Mirror Talk” for Self-Confidence

A simple but powerful exercise from the book is called “Mirror Talk.” Dr. Gazipura encourages readers to stand in front of a mirror, look themselves in the eye, and say statements like “I am enough” or “It’s okay for me to take up space.” Though it may feel uncomfortable at first, repeating these affirmations builds self-assurance over time. This exercise is particularly helpful when someone feels like they’re “not enough” unless they’re pleasing others.

6. The “Tiny Acts of Rebellion” Exercise

Dr. Gazipura recommends small “acts of rebellion” to break out of people-pleasing patterns. For instance, he suggests leaving a little mess in a shared space or wearing something unconventional, just to practice letting go of the need for constant approval. By intentionally doing something a bit “imperfect” or non-compliant, you train yourself to tolerate mild discomfort and realize that people’s reactions are often much less severe than you’d expect.

7. Using “I Statements” to Communicate Needs

Many people-pleasers struggle to communicate their needs openly. Dr. Gazipura recommends using “I statements” as a way to express yourself without sounding accusatory or overly apologetic. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always asking me for help and I’m so stressed,” try, “I need some time for myself to recharge right now.” This way, you can communicate clearly and directly, making it easier to honor your needs.

8. Practicing Self-Compassion When Slipping Up

Dr. Gazipura acknowledges that change takes time, and people-pleasers will likely slip back into old habits. He suggests practicing self-compassion when this happens. For example, if you find yourself overcommitting out of habit, rather than feeling discouraged, remind yourself, “I’m learning, and I’m making progress.” Dr. Gazipura argues that forgiving yourself for small setbacks keeps you motivated and moving forward.

9. Visualizing Success to Build Confidence

Another exercise Dr. Gazipura offers is visualization. He suggests that readers close their eyes and imagine themselves confidently setting a boundary, speaking up, or saying no in a challenging situation. Visualizing these moments of success can help people-pleasers feel more comfortable and less anxious when they’re in those situations in real life.

Not Nice stands out because it doesn’t just identify people-pleasing as a problem; it actually gives readers a roadmap to change. Dr. Gazipura’s advice is simple and practical, with exercises that empower readers to take back control over their lives and relationships. By helping us manage feelings like guilt, anxiety, and fear of confrontation, Not Nice guides readers to stop “playing nice” and start living true to themselves.