Megan Devine’s Guide to Healing Without the Pressure to Move On
Grief is one of the most difficult emotions we experience, yet our culture often rushes people through it with clichés like “everything happens for a reason” or “just give it time.” Megan Devine, a psychotherapist and grief advocate, challenges these ideas in her book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Instead of pushing for quick fixes, Devine offers a radically compassionate approach: what if we stop trying to "fix" grief and instead learn to live alongside it?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Megan Devine is a psychotherapist with years of experience helping people through grief, but her work took on a deeply personal meaning after the sudden death of her partner. She found that much of what she had been taught about grief as a clinician didn’t match the reality of her own experience. As she puts it: “When your person dies, the world should stop. But it doesn’t. Instead, you get bills in the mail and invitations to events. You get told to stay busy, to think of all the good things, to be grateful. You get told to move on.” Rather than following the usual self-help formula, Devine poured her frustration with society’s avoidance of grief into a book that truly validates the raw, painful experience of loss.
A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING GRIEF
Unlike many books that focus on overcoming grief or finding a silver lining, It’s OK That You’re Not OK rejects the idea that loss is something to be "fixed." Devine emphasizes that grief is not a problem to solve but an experience to be honored. A common theme in her book is that grief is love in its most wild and painful form and how life will always be accompanied by death. Devine further explains that while grief is painful, it is proof that we had a love worth that is worth the pain of loss.
Reframing this thought alone can be life-changing for people who feel pressured to "get over" their grief. Instead of forcing hope or closure, she invites readers to make space for their pain, allowing it to exist without shame.
WHAT THIS BOOK HELPS WITH
Grief shows up in many ways emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Devine explores how loss can impact every part of life, addressing symptoms such as:
Overwhelming sadness and despair
Numbness or feeling disconnected
Anger and frustration
Anxiety and fear about the future
Exhaustion and brain fog
One of the most powerful aspects of the book is how Devine normalizes these reactions. She reassures readers that these emotions aren’t wrong or something to be rushed through, they are simply part of love taking a new shape.
NAVIGATING GRIEF
While the book is not about "healing" in the traditional sense, it does offer meaningful ways to cope. Some of the key takeaways include:
1. Stop Forcing Positivity
Devine calls out the harmful impact of toxic positivity, reminding readers that grief isn’t something that can be fixed with positive thinking. Instead, she encourages people to sit with their pain. She explains how your pain in grief is an expression of love, and quickly trying to erase the uncomfortable feelings surrounding this new shape of love can dismiss the significance of what was lost. Devine further explains how acknowledgement is the most powerful form of support. Sitting with yourself or with someone in their sorrow without rushing to change it is a profound act of love.
2. Find Safe Spaces to Express Grief
Many grieving people find that friends and family don't know how to respond to their pain. Devine suggests seeking out those who can listen without offering advice or trying to make things better. We are experiencing a culture that rushes discomfort out the door. Grieving people are often met with advice, solutions, or well-meaning attempts to "make things better." Look for those who hold space for loss, even when words feel inadequate. This might mean finding a grief support group, working with a therapist, or simply identifying a friend who understands the need to talk about the loss without judgment.
3. Grief Isn’t Linear, Give Yourself Time
Our culture often expects grief to follow neat stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but in reality, it doesn’t work that way. Devine explains that there is no timeline, and there is no right way to handle grief, the only right way is your own personal way and that may change every day. Allowing grief to unfold naturally, without self-judgment, is one of the most healing things a person can do.
4. Let Go of the Need for Closure
One of the biggest myths about grief is that closure is the goal. Devine argues that rather than "moving on," people can learn to move forward with their grief. She further explains that we don't have to find the meaning in loss in order to live with it. Some things may never make sense to us, and that's okay. Some of us may feel stuck in grief because we can't find the purpose of their loss, but a sense of peace does not come from finding this "answer". Devine explains that tragedy doesn’t always have a purpose, and suffering doesn’t always lead to transformation. True peace doesn’t come from making sense of what happened, it comes from allowing grief to exist without needing to justify or explain it. Moving forward doesn’t mean letting go. It means integrating grief into our lives in a way that allows us to keep living, while still honoring what was lost.
5. Make Space for Small Moments of Relief
Though Devine doesn’t push people to find joy, she does remind readers that small moments of relief, whether through nature, movement, or creative expression, can help sustain them. She acknowledges that these moments don’t take away the pain, but they can create brief respites from it.
MY FINAL THOUGHTS
If you or someone you love is grieving, It’s OK That You’re Not OK could be a good tool to have. The book offers validation, comfort, and a new way of thinking about loss, one that doesn’t push for quick fixes but instead honors the full weight of grief. Whether you’ve lost a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, or even an identity, this book can be a powerful companion. And truly, that’s what this book does, it makes space for grief in a world that often doesn’t.
